What Would St. Francis Do?

We can never love our neighbor too much. There is nothing small in the service of God. - St. Francis de Sales

Most major faiths preach compassion, even though they differ about what it means. For Francis, compassion is inspired by the example of Jesus and by the mystical presence of Christ in every human being. But for Buddhists, compassion is seen as a way to break down the illusory barriers separating human from human and keeping all from union with the Ultimate.

We can debate such differences forever, but that's precisely where too many people stop. compassion, if it has any meaning at all, need to be translated into action.

One way to show compassion and grow in your love for others is to practice the discipline of listening. Instead of focusing on yourself and your own concerns and troubles, try getting inside someone else's skin by hearing them deeply, earnestly, and lovingly.

While listening to another, resist the all-too-human urge to critique what is being said. Compassion isn't about whether you approve or disapprove of what someone is saying; it's about understanding another person. It isn't about promoting your agenda; it's about comprehending someone else's.

[taken from The Lessons of St. Francis: How to Bring Simplicity and Spirituality Into Your Daily Life; John Michael Talbot with Steve Rabey, 1997]

Walking Side by Side

In companionship we position ourselves next to not across from, both literally and figuratively. We are all aware of how physical position can be used negatively. Have you ever walked into your boss's office, a person who never moves past the other side of the desk? Or visited a bank to talk about a loan? What a difference it makes in the conversation when the "other" (who already carries a superior status of authority) joins you in a chair next to you. This doesn't mean you don't look people in the eye...you do to enforce that you are a presence with them. But you also look in the same direction that person looks to see the same things physically and possibly emotionally. You can find it easier to empathize sometimes when you are not focused physically on the person, staring at them intently. That staring can disrupt the listening. We'll talk more about that later!

"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up the other." (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10a)

I once heard pastoral counseling described as offering to take your boat alongside another's to go out into deep water. You don't get in their boat, but you stay nearby in your own. If the other sinks, you are alongside and safe to help.

Companionship: Offering Hospitality

Better is a dinner where love is, than a fatted ox with hatred in it. Prov. 15:17.

In the book Souls in the Hands of a Tender God, Craig Rennebohm lists "offering hospitality" as one of the four key components of companionship. Companionship comes from the Latin cum panis, with bread. "Sharing even the most humble meal,"says Rennebohn (p. 72), can be a sacred act. In all known cultures, enjoying food and refreshment is an expression of kindness and friendship, a sign of grace and true welcome. "

Another definition relevant of the practice of hospitality is what Henri J. M. Nouwen in his book Reaching Out calls "free and friendly space for the stranger." To practice companionship we try to create a space that is sacred, a place where we are free to accept one another for what we are, what we seek, what we believe, and what concerns us. This space needs to be safe and free of judgment.

A Prayer for Welcome: by Richard Gilbert

We bid you welcome, who come with weary spirit seeking rest,
Who come with troubles that are too much for you,
Who come hurt and afraid.

We bid you welcome, who come with hope in your heart,
Who come with anticipation in your step,
Who come proud and joyous.

We bid you welcome, who come seeking a new faith,
Who come to probe and explore,
Who come to learn.

We bid you welcome who come to this hall as a homecoming,
Who have found here room for your spirit,
Who find in this people a family.

Whoever you are, whatever you are, wherever you are on your journey,
We bid you welcome.

(found on the Unitarian Universalists of Puerto Rico web site (http://www.uupuertorico.org/)

Companionship

Souls in the Hands of a Tender God, subtitled Stories of the Search for Home and Healing on the Streets by Craig Rennebohm with David Paul illustrates the art and practice of pastoral caring among the most in need in the United States. Without describing the whole book, I would like to post some of the passages which have resonated with me the most in my early steps on the path of pastoral caring.

Some of the first words one hears in pastoral care training are usually Presence and Empathy. Rennebohm presents a wonderful passage on page 72 in which he describes what "companionship" is:

"In companionship, the Spirit moves to support the healing and growth of the soul. sharing the human journey together is vital in everyone's life, but it is especially crucial in the life of persons beset by illness, hardship, grief, or tragedy. Being present to a soul tormented by fear, buried in depression, or bouncing wildly from one extreme emotion to another can be trying. But companionship provides a way. Companionship is the vehicle through which God heals. through companionship, the gifts of the Spirit are made real."

Inevitably one asks -- as I did and still do -- how do you DO companionship? In the next several blogs I would like to explore the four practices of companionship as explained by Rennebohm: offering hospitality, walking side by side, listening, and accompaniment.

I am reminded of this lovely prayer:

"Keep watch, dear Lord, with those who work, or watch, or weep this night, and give thine angels charge over those who sleep. Tend the sick, Lord Christ; give rest to the weary, bless the dying, soothe the suffering, pity the afflicted, shield the joyous; and all for thy love's sake. Amen." [Prayer for Mission, Evening Prayer, The Book of Common Prayer]

"...as if beginning for the first time..."

"You must never regard any spiritual work as firmly established, and this is especially true of prayer; but always pray as if beginning for the first time. When we do a thing for the first time, we come to it fresh and with a new-born enthusiasm."

It only takes a few surprises to humble me when making a pastoral visit. It didn't take long to realize that the proper mindset is to be empty of self and full of awareness, awareness of the other person and the greater "Other." Every pastoral encounter is a new beginning, a new chance to connect with others and be connected. These few sentences from Theophan the Recluse are in the context of a discussion of prayer, but I think this is wonderful advice: we can expand our preconceptions of prayer and come to our spiritual work new each time.

Lenten Study: Grief for a Lost Job

I am preparing a presentation and group discussion on Grief and Job Loss for our church during lent. While looking for images on the internet for the faces of grief due to job loss, I was surprised to find at least the half the images in my search were charts, like this one. (can be found by searching the link below)

www.crisisobserver.com/picture-of-the-day/

I'm sure these statistics are correct and believe the organization posting this chart had only the intention of presenting facts to help inform the public about the state of our economy. I would be more than glad to take it off my blog if asked. There are plenty others to put in its place.

However (you knew that was coming!), the chart doesn't tell the story of human loss due to job layoffs. I suspect we all know someone affected by job loss, and it's heart-wrenching. All those lines on the graph sit on the heads of grieving distressed families.

Worry in the Workplace

Someone close to me is going through a very anxious time. The "not knowing" what's going on, the sense of helplessness is overpowering! "What did I do wrong?" How can we offer someone in this situation comfort?

I didn't make up these thoughts on my own, but listened to others, read a lot, and reflected for hours on end and have landed on my personal approach, which comes from my wounded heart:

Don't tell people things like "it'll be all right" or "when one door closes, another opens". Saying things like this is very impersonal, trite, and in fact may not be true. How do you know things will be all right? What does that mean anyway?

Instead draw on your own experience internally. You know what YOU feel like in your situation. At the same time resist the urge to say "I know what you're going through." Do you know what they are going through? Probably not. Rather use those feelings to be an empathetic listener.

People are usually uncomfortable being around someone going through an employment loss or reduction. But you can be there for them, no matter how much they talk or how many times they say the same thing over and over. Listen to their story.

White Socks

My retreat in Boston with Ecclesia Ministries last fall introduced white socks to me. Those generous people who minister to the homeless and precariously housed pointed out how important clean, good socks are to someone who spends all day on their feet.

People with a military background know how much emphasis is put on foot care and socks, as are people who are involved in athletics. When you think about it, the sock is a buffer between our body and our shoe, which is a shield from the outside. The offer to provide someone with a buffer, the human contact and demonstration by one person reaching out to another, is a wonderful thing. It's simple and inexpensive and is so rewarding for me personally.

I continue to be impressed by how many people take me up on an offer of a pair of socks. Even during this winter I have given away at least 4 times more socks than hats and gloves. Yes, that's why I have this big plastic container in my car filled with socks!

Link to Articles on Issues Facing the Homeless

Friends from Ecclesia ministries passed this along. Please take a look, especially at the article titled "The Volunteer You Turned Away." Here's the 1st paragraph:

I honestly believe that today more than ever, people genuinely want to get involved in the fight to end homelessness. After CNN profiled me and my work, I received lots of e-mails from people wanting to help. As always, I suggested they support their local homeless services. I also gave the disclaimer that it may be challenging trying to connect and encouraged people not to give up before finding an organization that "fits."

Find the entire article at http://homelessness.change.org/.

If you have NOT looked at the Ecclesia Ministries website, please take a look now!
http://www.ecclesia-ministries.org/

What Can We Offer?

Very often we encounter people who are deep in a personal struggle. Sometimes they tell us about it and sometimes they don't. If we determine that this troubled one has a spiritual background, we can suggest a meditation or prayer. I have taken it upon myself to start collecting brief passages from the Old Testament, which can be appropriate for almost any faith or denomination. These verses jumped out at me this morning:

Psalm 25:16-18 (NRSV translation)

Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
Relieve the troubles of my heart,
and bring me out of my distress.
Consider my affliction and my trouble,
and forgive all my sins.

I can think of past experiences when I wish I had this at hand. This would have been perfect for the moment, especially if the person and I could have said this out loud together. I have been told by hospital chaplains that they find the Psalms to be a rich resource for offering comfort to people from a variety of religious backgrounds, and I agree with that!

I going to have some cards printed up with this one!

God's peace,
Vance

Animals and Pastoral Care

Yesterday was Red's 2nd visit to a nursing home. He's a bloodhound, 9 months old now, and has been through one training course and is about to start a second. By nature bloodhounds are very friendly, though a little shy. But there's no question about the smiles I see on people's faces when Red comes to visit!

Often it's a great way to get a conversation going. I enjoy hearing stories about pets who played an important part of people's lives and are still vivid in their memories.

What Can You Do To Help the Homeless in Cold Weather?

(from CNN news today)

The weather has turned dangerously cold in much of the country, putting homeless people at high risk of injury or even death. If you encounter someone and want to help, what should you do?

The specific answer depends on the circumstances, but those who work with the homeless every day agree you generally should leave social services to the professionals. (emphasis added)

"We've been doing this work for a very long time, and what we tell people is it is better to donate funds and resources to organizations that are in the business of helping homeless people and have professionals on their staff who know how to do this," said Stephan Russo, executive director of Goddard Riverside Community Center, the lead homeless services agency in Manhattan.

Vance's comments: most of us would not think that lending a helping hand to someone might actually cause more harm than good. Think of the case where giving someone on the streets a blanket in the winter might cause them NOT to seek shelter inside, but instead stay outside.

I've personally found contacting a shelter or clothing bank directly and asking what they could use is the best way to go. Here in the NE winter gloves are always needed, especially men's sizes, as are plain white socks. When you are on your feet all day, your socks become very important.

See the entire CNN story with video at http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/weather/01/08/homeless.help/index.html?iref=allsearch. If this link doesn't work, go to CCN.com and search on the term HOMELESS. This will be one of the top stories of 1-8-2010.

What is a Healing Presence?

“Healing presence is the condition of being consciously and compassionately in the present moment with another or with others, believing in and affirming their potential for wholeness, wherever they are in life.”

A volunteer visits a man whose wife has Alzheimer’s disease. The husband talks about the stress of his full-time care giving responsibilities. He voices his sadness, anger and loneliness, as well as his guilt for having some of these feelings. The volunteer listens thoughtfully, nodding from time to time. When he finally speaks, he acknowledges the husband’s feelings, then reports what he is witnessing: a loving husband who provides excellent care in very trying circumstances. Tears of relief and appreciation form in the husband’s eyes as the two sit quietly. That is healing presence.

A healing presence doesn’t involve much activity. In fact, as it’s taking place, it may appear that very little is happening. It simply requires your time and your attention…and it can make a major difference in people’s lives.

You can be a healing presence as you are caring for another, while working beside someone or as you just enjoy another’s company.

Adapted from The Art of Being a Healing Presence, James E. Miller and Susan C. Cutshall, Willowgreen Publishing, Fort Wayne, IN, 2001.